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if you wanna do acid, go do it! - jed mckenna [16 May 2006|08:39pm] just because our behavior was gratifying enough until now, doesn't mean we should always act that way. i don't feel the need to help anyone... i don't feel anything is out of place, or not the way it should be. i know i wanted help when i was alone... but i didn't need it, and i wouldn't have done this if someone had helped me. it is something we must do utterly alone... there is no help, only hinderance... only different voices crying, "listen to me! listen to me!" that want you to take their word for it so you won't find out for yourself. the point is, to be without point. knowing that is something to grin about. take no action. everything in its place. "you treat everyone like... like they don't have feelings!" "but you don't have feelings... only dilusions." something about "mother's day": i don't think it's okay to treat your mother like shit or take her for granted all year & expect some flowers & other bullshit to somehow how make up for it, or for her to forgive you. frankly, its insulting. (my mother agrees) "money doesn't last does it?" a customer asked me generally. i can do nothing but be me so i responded, "well... money isn't real.. so it can't last, nor can it exist..." to which she began to cackle, having expected nothing like that as an answer. enlighten?

fuck it, i'm going to see for myself - jed mckenna [10 May 2006|10:18pm] [ music | spiritual enlightenment, the damned thing//jed mckenna ] today's random insights... i cannot stand to be fooled more, nor can i stand to fool others any longer. you must have the wrong idea to step on before you can reach the right one. (right in the context of informed and wrong uninformed) only in knowing the wrong one can you then realize the right one. ambition is the byproduct of doubting the universe. it is not about what the text says, but everything about what it implies. lately i have been revisiting what i imagine was the pivotal point in my life, the obvious, defined moment where i gave up and started thinking differently. because it was such black pitfall emotionaly, i had tended to avoid it, almost saving it for last, if you will. i was at the peak of depression, the peak of hatred for others and even more so for myself, self-loathing. i was without hope and thought nothing would ever be okay again. little did i know, that what i thought of as "okay" at the time would never be okay to me again. i searched for the words that cast me over the invisible line as i spoke to a friend, the online kind, for the first time in months. he is a very dark type of person.. a person who chooses to live in the kind of world i just described because he thinks that is what he deserves. we all know we get what we deserve. the last time he talked to me i was flailing about as i drowned, hoping desperately to cling onto something.. which of course i didn't, i drowned and that person who was me is now dead. for whatever reason, for reasons he couldn't even explain (he often noted he wasn't in the business of caring about girls and normally took great pleasure in seeing their tears), he'd let me vent to him or he would call me, and i might feel better, but happy was something he had never seen me. at least not without sad eyes behind the smile. i forget that sometimes, especially when i am confronted with people from the internet... my last days truelly making it a facit of my life i was a huge, horrible mope and now i'm the exact opposite, like the blunt side of a katana versus the sharp. i was happy to talk to him and i guess it permeated through a few sentences of dialogue enough until it knocked him off his rocker... he was still depressed, and i wasn't anymore. he stopped me. "just what the hell did you do to become so damn optimistic? don't tell me you found jesus or something..." optimism often insinuates naivity, when in fact i am at the opposite end of naivity. "it's not optimism..." then it got a little fuzzy.. how could i possibly explain it to someone who had probably never even heard of it beyond the mentioning of its name? enlightenment? like he'd have a clue what that meant or entailed as to how it changed my life OR how it had an affect on my attitude. so i immediately dropped back to the beggining... when i was that same kind of person looking up at the wall i was just about to climb without knowing that i was going to climb it and damning it for being in the way of the sun, which it was shielding me from. that first day, those first thoughts that changed everything. they must have been laymen. they must have been amatuer. those would be easy for him to understand. at first i thought it would be hard to remember those first thoughts... they are stacked upon by the thousands now. they came to me however clearly... perhaps 2 years isn't really that long ago. i had been thinking horrible things, the worst possible outcome for every situation that arose. somehow it was a sadistic perpetuation that beat me closer and closer to the wall (that's the hypothetical wall i just mentioned). after the blaming was over, after the self-degradation had ended, the real questioning began. and nothing is more desolate than heart-wrenching questions being answered with silence. "why... is it like this...?" i thought back to what i did know about the world... to what i had first hand experienced. in nature, all things are of perfection. any who don't see that are blind, or pretending. "if nature's niche is perfection... then why isn't this perfect?" variables bubbled up and were slashed through as they reached the top.. all were false. "this... sucks....this can't be.. what it's all about..." at the time i didn't realize what a heavy conclusion i had just made, nor did i see that i had answered both of my questions. something flared up in me. "i don't want to be this way anymore!" i shouted out, crying... further consideration of that statement made me realize there were implications behind what i had said that i didn't even intentionally mean, but that were the core of thruth. "i" don't "want" to "be" this way anymore? what did that mean aside from my superficial intention of saying "i wish someone would stop doing this to me, it's not fair"- how's that for whining. well so who is i? and what does i want? why is it what it is? because we... make it that way? we think that it's the way it's supposed to be, so we do it? that's a misconception! who makes the distinction of "what it's supposed to be"? in my own life, can i give that control to others, or have i already... well then... i think it's time to take it back. if this isn't exactly what i thought at the beginning back then, i must still be a stupid idiot. when you look at questions that require truth as answers, there will never be different answers that are also right. unfortunately i didn't say it so well to him, this is the refined version, nor did it really spark any understanding to him... i guess he hasn't reached the bottom yet. but when he does he might remember what i said, i am glad he made me remember. .01woke upenlighten?

[19 Jan 2006|02:49pm] don't ever fret for things that are lost, for if they are meant for you they will return and you will have fret for nothing and if they do not at least you didn't freak out about it .03woke upenlighten?

in the span of two hours. [03 Jun 2005|03:39pm] [ music | incubus//pantomime ] remember, when you procrastinate you choose loss. -brandon boyd i will give you an easy light to see attachment & jealousy in. when you are away from something that you feel you need, a cellphone, for example, you will feel a pain of longing. this pain is not real, it is created by you & your attachment to whatever it is you are pining for. the attachment isn't real either, because the attachment is not actually attached to you. the next time you lose something you think is important, before you spend an hour ripping up your car or room, just let it go. completely let it go as something that you don't need (you must truly see why you don't "need" it to let it go), & overcome attachment. once you no longer need it, it has no power over you. jealousy is the covetting of the attachment, or rather, the greed of wanting to keep something all to yourself. if we let go of our attachments, then we have nothing to become jealous over. decision making is something we do extremely naturally, but the process can be complicated by the outside sources that incite inner conflict. if you are having a hard time making a decision, it is probably because all the answers you are coming up with make you uncomfortable (it means you are at odds with YOURSELF), either by your conflicting ideas or those of another you keep in mind. if you lose self-doubt & have faith in your ability to choose rightly, then you won't fail & the decision making process will become as breathing. all you need is to know if YOU truly feel that what you have chosen is right it IS right, & you conquer the fear of making a mistake AND the tendency for other people to try to influence you. two birds with one stone. don't think about something twice, just do it (ESPECIALLY if your first reaction is to do it). things are easier to do when we are not thinking about them. if you try, you have a 50/50 chance of failing or succeeding, & more than the outcome is based on talent/ability, it is directly the responsibility of a sound mind that can look at something & say "i can" instead of saying "i can't" "i will try". ask yourself, can my body physically do this? if the answer is yes, then why can't your mind come along for the ride? why should doubt reside there when the body is capable; do you have an ill-capable mind? pain is a warning that something is wrong. but you should not rub the site of the pain, you should intercept the source of it & let it go. our heart & our brains provide the two most crucial & opposite functions. our heart, while not necassarily being connected to our feelings, is the well of pain when we are hurt. if the hurt is in the heart, would that not be a threat on life itself? if you know something is missing, chances are you are going to look for it until you find it. if you feel something is missing in your life, then the answer can easily be answered by your innerself. if you look you find, if you do not look, you may not find. if your mind is always on the future, people, money, you can't keep your eyes focused in front of you & will only continue to grasp at those distant, material concepts & pass over the great opportunity you only had to inquire about WITHIN to experience. how can one better themself if their mind is never in its body? "going crazy", a term used when suffering is high. everyone has claimed to be going crazy at some point, but i daresay that you knew when you actually were in danger of going crazy (or might be there right now). isn't that all the red flag you need to tell you that something is wrong? if you are unable to help yourself with what you know (how you are) then you should see that what is called for is exploration of the craziness & how YOU created it. it feels like being shake shake shaken with bursting eminent, but that burst is what offers the clear view. only after you are COMPLETELY unprepared lost hopeless weary the fight has been taken out only then are you finally ready to see only then do you throw your arms up become completely receptive instead of fighting "alright, what do you want me to do?" now hush, & just listen to yourself. a good question is one that makes you question yourself. if something complicates your ideals, don't let it go lightly; complicating ideals is quite damaging to those ideals (if they withstand the complication). instead of letting something complicate, break it down & understand why it is a complication (maybe you will discover how to make the complication actually work for you). .08woke upenlighten?

[03 Jun 2005|08:01am] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | incubus//smokin that herb again ] The Brahman Dona saw the Buddha sitting under a tree and was impressed by his peaceful air of alertness and his good demeanor. He asked the Buddha: Are you a god? No, Brahman, I am not a god. Then an angel? No, indeed, Brahman. A spirit then? No, I am not a spirit. Then what are you? I am awake. - Anguttara Nikaya what is a koan? (other zen terms) like a mosquito biting an iron bull. It is the nature of a mosquito to bite and it is the nature of an iron bull to be unbiteable. Both go on doing what is their nature, and so, nothing can happen. Soon you realize you are absolutely up against it. There is absolutely no answer to this problem, and no way out. Now, what does that mean? If I cannot do the right thing by doing, and I cannot do the right thing by not doing, what does it mean? It means, of course, that I who essayed to do all this is a hallucination. There is no independent self to be produced. There is no way of showing it because it is not there. When you recover from the illusion and you suddenly wake up, you think, "Whew, what a relief." That is called satori. koan: a cup of tea Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era, received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen. Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor's cup full, and then kept on pouring. The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. "It is overfull. No more will go in!" "Like this cup," Nan-in said, "you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?" what the fuck is buddhism? last night i was pondering on the misconceptions of buddhism and how i might be able to bring them to light. religion is a word i hear slung around and am not too fond of, especially since its repetoire cannot be afforded to buddhism in any respect. buddhism is the fundamental properties of the nature of self. i don't really find that to be a religion, more of, a formula, to help you with the rest of your life, and will never fail. buddhism is about weighing two options (duality) against each other and deciding (learning through realization) which one makes more "sense" (truth). a buddhist could present a mild koan to someone not of the buddhist ideal a question which has two visible outcomes and an obviously more sensible of the answers, and an intelligent person would still be able to answer the same as a buddhist, without having any knowledge of buddhism at all. one of the options is good and beneficial, and the other is lacking; the "obviousness" comes from seeing the in-hand (final) result and if it, not by WAY of it (how you came to it), is the best idea. sort of like, going to the store to buy something, but not the fact that you did buy something or how you bought it, but that in the end you have it (this is a direct karma correlation). so you have two choices of what to buy and keep in mind the buying doesn't matter, only what is bought.. so which of the two things will have a more full, lasting impact? (don't be afraid to ask that question of everything) infact, which would YOU rather give the chance to? disregarding how ANYONE will perceive your choice, you should follow your gut instinct (subconsciousness) and be eased by the sincerity of your decision. buddhism, like a math book for the mind can only serve to aid you while you attempt to figure out what MATTERS and what, truly, does not by showing you that you are NOT THE ONLY ONE who has ever questioned what it is you consider and can offer you, also, how to get the hang of it shanti. .01woke upenlighten?

[02 Jun 2005|12:43pm] people with something to prove only have something to prove to themselves. :( enlighten?

[02 Jun 2005|12:05pm] being angry, arguing, being stubborn. these take twice the energy of being receptive, attempting to understand, & accepting. when you arrive at something new, you have the choice to take it as it is and move past it (receive it with what you already know), or you may look into it, discover it & learn from it (receive it with an open mind). the more beneficial option is yours to determine. concurrently, some things that you had once considered (instead of absorbed) might not be exactly how you perceived them first. you had your chance to initially observe (be introduced) & are now desensitized (taking for granted); now is the opportunity to figure out how it all works together & why (everything balances each other). (some things you thought hadn't made sense before but you accepted anyway, take another look at -- your gut reaction to not understanding based on the GIVEN [not sought] information is a red flag that there is something more here) .02woke upenlighten?

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